Kitten the Cat: Adventures in Cat-Sitting

Hello there, readers of "Kitten the Cat"! My name is Elena and I am a friend of Catherine's from law school. I am temporarily taking over this blog in order to share my harrowing experience cat-sitting a creature known as Kitten.

He looks so innocent, doesn't he?

A few weeks ago, Catherine told me she was going away to a music festival and that she was a bit concerned about who would be available to watch over Kitten while she was away. As a cat-lover whose pet is currently across the continent, I jumped at the chance to take care of the little guy. "Are you sure?" asked Catherine hesitantly. "Yeah! Totally!" said poor, naive past-Elena. What a maroon.

As I am an over-user of gifs, I will use them to explain the range of emotions that I experienced throughout my mis-adventure in the land of Kitten.

This past week, the time finally came for me to enter the Thunderdome. Turning the key into Catherine's apartment, I was very excited. One could say "Jonah Hill in 'Get Him to the Greek' Excited". I entered to find Kitten looking like this:

Displeased?

I wondered what his expression meant. Was Kitten showing me his stink eye? Was his face just like that? I then attempted to feed my new ward. He refused to ingest anything. My mind raced. Also my face contorted into this. What if Kitten was suffering Catherine withdrawal? What if he stopped eating? Do they make teeny tiny cat IVs? Was he just upset I picked him up and cuddled him like a baby?

"I am going to starve myself out of spite muhahahahahahha"

I then decided to wait around for a while to make sure he ate something. After about 20 minutes of sitting on the couch, Kitten came, sat down next to me and purred. I was delighted. One could say "Jason Segel in 'How I Met Your Mother' Delighted". Being a law student, I then assessed this situation critically. Was Kitten really happy, or did he just dislike loneliness? After a quick text-poll, my friends were leaning towards the former. One friend quipped that Kitten is quite dumb and that he was probably not smart enough to have feelings. That friend is rude.

Kitten then stood up and crawled onto my leg. "How cute! He's going to cuddle with me!" I thought. Kitten then proceeded to knead me like dough...for several minutes. I then had another moment of confusion. I wanted to tell Kitten,"little buddy, you know my leg is not going to get any softer, right? Haha... hah"

"Kneading"

You're probably wondering "hey Elena, why did you put quotation marks around the word 'kneading' and then italicize it? Because that's all he was doing right? He just wanted to cuddle? Nothing odd about that. Kitten is neutered so there could be no alternate reason for him to slowly and sensually massage your leg with his soft UGG boot-like paws while he's flexing his hind legs and pumping his lower body OH GOD HE WAS HUMPING YOU THAT ENTIRE TIME, WASN'T HE?"

You guys. This was awkward. Like... "Steve Buschemi at the Golden Globes" awkward. Kitten: heheh. My friends: oh dear.

Yep. That's right blog readers. I was sexually molested by a neutered cat. Now... I'm used to cats taking a liking to me. I am known to many friends as a "cat whisperer" due to my ability to attract neighbourhood cats to me every time I go out.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

I was not used to this type of attention though.

Much like if the eunuch from Game of Thrones decided to rest his hand on Sansa Stark's thigh, the humping experience was bewildering and a little creepy. After I told Kitten "no" the first time (foreshadowing!) and brushed him aside, he decided to lay in front of me displaying himself for a full five minutes. Not moving. Just blinking. And watching me. If Kitten was a human, this would be the equivalent mental image you would have right now: yeppppp.

"Do you like what you see female human?"

Kitten then upped his creepy flasher vibe by licking himself and loving it.

"Tastes like cat pee"

Once Kitten saw that I was not impressed by his antics, he decided to come back on the couch and snuggle with me.

Awwwww.

He then of course decided to start molesting me again, because if at first you don't success, try, try again! To make things creepier, every time I would push Kitten off, he would get upset. Suffice it to say that the play-by-play to my friends via text was both hilarious and extremely weird.

"I don't understand why you're not cool with this."

The face of a predator.

I returned the next day and of course, Kitten continued his advances. This time I caught him in the act:

Not one to give up on new friends that easily, I decided to Google Kitten's little issue. I then found out that Kitten's behaviour is not uncommon in neutered cats who just want a bit of extra attention. My heart swelled. Kitten didn't want to mate with my leg! He just wanted to really let me know how special I should think he is.

With this new knowledge, I decided to distract my little cat friend with my proven scratching technique (patent pending).